Getting Knocked Down (and getting up again!)
I recently went through a bit of a traumatic experience with someone in my life. I felt the need to write about it in order to get my thoughts in place and to get it off my chest. Sometimes we get knocked down by people, and it can be hard to find peace again, or it may take some time to heal. Either way, I've written here about my interpretation of the whole situation and how I got myself together again afterwards.
Firstly, this is intended to be a positive blog post, not negative as the title might seem. Although I really did get knocked down, I found more peace within myself than ever before and I hope to share this experience with anyone who may be going through something similar.
With every story of any situation, there are always two or more sides. In this case, there are two; mine and the other person's. I will not point fingers or say that their side is wrong, because everyone is entitled to their own story.
It all started about two months ago, when things turned sour. I will not go into the details of what caused this to happen because it's quite irrelevant but I also want to protect that person's privacy. I had never had to try to deal with someone who felt such rage toward me before, as someone who usually likes to make people feel comfortable, happy and welcomed, this was really hard for me to wrap my head around. One day we were talking and hugging and the next day consisted of doors slamming, damaging property and multiple threats (not life-threatening or anything). I felt like I wanted to make peace with this person but it seemed like the harder I tried, the more they resisted.
I used to think that people were always understanding and would always come around, but I've realized that some people will actually have an idea about you and it's suddenly set in stone forever. It can be quite hurtful if you know in your heart that you've tried to make the situation better and opened your heart to someone who rejected it.
Honestly, it's still hard for me to wrap my head around how quickly things started to decline, and though I wished this person well and truly meant it, they came back to insult me some more and truly made me question a lot of things about myself.
Is this how a lot of people think of me? Did I really cause this? Did I say or do something that would cause such rage?
I felt like my peace was broken inside. I felt like I couldn't do anything to fix it because I was trapped in my home with someone who so desperately wanted me to feel small. The words that were shared in communication behind their cell phone, were words that are hard to imagine them saying in person. Technology gives us some kind of power to say words without saying anything at all, and they used this to their full advantage to express how they truly felt toward me in this situation. They accused me of several things like bullying, making the situation uncomfortable, pushing them out and being passive aggressive, yet I felt in my heart that I was trying my best to water down the situation and find peace between us. I felt like everything they were saying was actually what they were doing to me. This is of course my side of the story.
Once this person was gone and out of my life, although I lost a lot - like money, damaged and broken items, and a week's worth of work, I felt like I gained something much, much greater. I gained inner peace that is something like I've never experienced before. I walked into my apartment that night, sat on the sofa, staring out the window with a cup of tea, a dim light and nothing but silence. I felt completely taken by the silence. I never knew how much power there was in silence before. I felt like I had just woken up from a bad dream and had a sigh of relief that I was now awake. Suddenly, nothing mattered, not the money I lost, the items and materials that were thrown away or the time I lost either. I was completely awakened in that moment and I decided to never let anyone break my inner peace again.
My mom told me sometimes people come into our lives like sandpaper, they rough us up a little bit and then leave us smoother. There are many lessons to be learned in this human life, and this was one of the biggest ones I've learned to date. I used to feel like I had to make peace with every human I encountered in my life, leaving no one with bad opinions of me. But isn't this so exhausting? It's nearly impossible to break through to someone who is seeing life in a completely different lens than you. Especially if this person is older than you, they may feel some sense of authority in the situation and therefor only accept their word as being right.
It's great to make people feel good, it makes us feel good too, but do not allow people with sour views to walk all over your heart and make you feel like something you're not. You know that gut feeling you get inside? Listen to it, if it's telling you that you've done all you can and you feel complete with the situation, it's time to let it go, it's time to let them go.
In my pursuit of happiness, this situation was a much needed reminder to appreciate the wonderful people in my life, to protect my heart, my peace and my happiness but also protect those of the people that I love, because when you feel hurt, the people who love you most feel it too. It was a reminder that material things cannot define my happiness in any way, and that there are many important moments in life passing us by everyday that deserve to be noticed. People have all kinds of monsters and demons hiding behind their emotions, and everyone has a right to feel angry or resentful as it's just an emotion, but it's important for the person on the other side to understand that these emotions are built up with many years of experience in life. This person reacted this way toward me because of things that have happened to them in the past and shaped their reaction to events today.
Should this person be reading this post, I really do wish you well and I am sorry, and I forgive you.
We humans need one another to continue to strive in life, we need to feel and show compassion toward each other, we need to take care of each other and look at other people as an extension of ourselves. We are one, we are all and the more you can share your peace with the people around you, the more ripple effect there is and the more you spread love to the world.
Life is too short to break your peace. Find it, own it, share it and cherish it.